Dr. Andy Fata-Chan

I was on my way to lead a shake out run for a charity group that we work with this past weekend.

The F train got to the West 4th Station and I’m rapping one of Drake’s songs called ‘Too Much’.

It’s a surreal feeling when you’re rapping or singing a song then realizing that the lyrics are actually what you’re going through.

Uh, someone go tell Noel to get the Backwoods
Money got my whole family goin’ backwards
No dinners, no holidays, no nothin’
There’s issues at hand that we’re not discussin’
I did not sign up for this
My uncle used to have all these things on his bucket list
And now he’s actin’ like “Oh well, this is life, I guess”, nah, fuck that shit
Listen man, you can still do what you wanna do, you gotta trust that shit

Heard once that in dire times when you need a sign, that’s when they appear
Guess since my text message didn’t resonate, I’ll just say it here
I hate the fact my mom cooped up in her apartment
Tellin’ herself that she’s too sick to get dressed up and go do shit
Like that’s true shit

And all my family from the M-Town that I’ve been ’round
Started treatin’ me like I’m “him” now
Like we don’t know each other, we ain’t grow together, we just friends now
Shit got me feelin’ pinned down, pick the pen up or put the pen down
I’m writin’ to you from a distance like a pen pal, but we’ve been down

Drake, ‘Too Much’

One of my family members got into an insane amount of debt, and it tore my family apart.

My parents were in the midst of taking more lavish trips, which they deserve since they finally retired and worked so damn hard.

I had conversations with my mom about how they shouldn’t be taking those trips anymore because of the weight of the debt from the family member, which ultimately became the burden of my parents as well.

My father felt the same, but he doesn’t want to speak to me anymore since we had an argument about borrowing money from me to pay off a family member’s debt.

My mom has suffered from separation anxiety since her late 20′,s which has kept her “cooped up”.

I’ve seen a bit of success in my life and have moments in time where people start acting differently.

I paused right before I entered Washington Square Park.

Bursting into tears.

What emotion am I afraid to feel?

I’m so terrified of feeling weak.

I’m so terrified of feeling vulnerable.

I knew exactly how that felt, especially when I barely left the house from the severe anxiety and depression that I experienced during my freshman year of college.

When my world came crashing down last year and I decided to get therapy…

I neglected feeling those emotions.

I never mourned the fact that I keep losing male authority figures in my life.

I put up this front that I wasn’t this little kid in my life who was wanting some sort of father figure in my life.

Then it hit me.

It’s happened so many damn times.

The first time:

I was born in the Lower East Side of Manhattan, but I was only a couple of months ago before my parents brought me back to China to be raised by my godparents, since funds for childcare were tight.

The second time:

I was old enough to come back to the States in order to start school, but I left my godfather, who I thought was my dad at the time.

The third time:

I lost my relationship with my oldest brother last year when this all went down.

The fourth time:

I lost my relationship with my father after I refused to lend him $50,000.00 to pay off debt that I was not responsible for while trying to build out our clinic.

I was crying, but it felt so damn good.

It felt so good to feel weak.

It felt so good to feel vulnerable.

Then.

It felt so good to mourn that version of myself.

“Nothing I accept about myself can be used against me to diminish me.”

–Audre Lorde

It’s hard to describe, but it felt like a literal baggage that I was deciding to put down.

That emotional burden was heavy and of allllllll the times that it could’ve happened…it was listening to a damn Drake song.

The version of myself that I’m mourning is the one that felt he needed guidance and validation from a male authority figure to feel safe and worthy.

I jotted this down in my notes app.

You don’t need to replace everything you let go of with something else or someone else, you can find it within yourself.

-Your boy

I’m proud of the man I’ve become.

And the beautiful part is…

I’m learning to trust myself.

I’m starting to realize that I am capable of guiding myself.

A big goal of mine is to develop a better relationship with the word ‘power’ because I have negative beliefs surrounding that word.

And writing this now has given me an ‘aha’ moment.

I created this self-fulfilling prophecy.

I was afraid to be weak.

I was afraid to be vulnerable.

And it’s because…

I didn’t know I could be powerful.