Dr. Andy Fata-Chan

I never thought Father’s Day would be an awkward day for me but 2024 changed everything. Last spring, I was sitting at a coffee shop getting work done like every other week until I got a call from my dad…

“Do you have $50,000.00? I need money right now.”

This wasn’t for himself, it was to help somebody in our family paying off debt that they had gotten themselves into. 2024 was a sh*t show in every regard but that’s a story for another day.

I told my dad that I don’t have that kind of money to give him and he cursed me out.

Holy sh*t I thought to myself…fuming.

There must be have been steam coming out of my head because the first thing I did was I called my mom to absolutely rail on my dad.

“Tell dad that he’s a f*cking asshole for talking to me like that. Tell him to never f*cking do that kind of sh*t again. He can’t talk to me like that, it’s f*cking unacceptable.”

I must have gone on for 10 more minutes and people passing by must’ve thought that I was losing my mind and I was!

My dad needed the money to help a family member pay off debt and that family member completely screwed HIM over yet…he still talks to that family member.

That sh*t hurt.

This past Fall, I remember seeing pictures of myself thinking holy sh*t, I’m looking more and more like my dad…

I’m not sure if anyone has ever felt this type of way but it scared me.

The last person that I wanted to be like at the time was like my dad and slowly looking like someone from a physical perspective traps you into this weird thinking that you are turning into that person.

Fast forward to the beginning of this year, I had this VERY weird dream. In that dream, I was watching the younger version of myself playing in a room by himself. I had a weird visceral feeling upon waking up.

For the longest time, I’ve judged my past self. If you’re reading this in 2025 then I am a far cry from who I was in the past but seeing myself as a kid again in my dreams made me realize something…

That kid in the dream playing by himself in a room…

He was figuring it out, he was doing the best he could with his given circumstances.

The same kid that grew up with his godparents for the first 5 years of his life.

The same kid that came back to the US to be reunited with his biological family.

The same kid that bullied others in elementary school because he wanted to belong.

The same kid that barely graduated high school and didn’t get any college acceptances the first time around.

I was so ashamed of him…myself…for so long.

But he was figuring it out, he was doing the best he could with his given circumstances.

I was figuring it out, I was doing the best I could with my given circumstances.

We all are.

I cried that day in my car and immediately drove to my parent’s house. This was a week after my family dog died and I missed the opportunity to see him because I was avoiding my dad.

I rang the doorbell and my mom opened the door.

Tears streamed down my face and she said…

“It’s okay, I know JJ passed away.”

I said…

“I know but I’m sorry. I’m sorry I haven’t been home.”

My dad came downstairs because he heard me crying non-stop, all he said was:

“Is everything okay? Is Kristi okay?”

I’ll paraphrase what I said but it was something like this:

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I haven’t came home. I was so prideful but I’m ready to see you guys again. I have been working with someone to help me process everything that has been going on and I’ve learned to forgive myself. When I learned to forgive myself…I learned to forgive dad. I love dad…regardless of what he does. He doesn’t need to say anything to me. The way he behaved is who he is a person and I love him regardless.

Once he realized no one was in danger, my dad went back upstairs.

He didn’t say a single word and he laid on the couch.

I went to another room and my mom consoled me.

Mentally, I was prepared for it. My mom also made me a bowl of noodles and that helped as well but I was mentally prepared for it.

I know my dad is stubborn.

I know that he’ll never admit when he is wrong.

And I don’t need any of that from him.

I love him because he sacrificed for our family, cared deeply for us, and provided opportunities for us.

The same opportunities that have allowed me to chase my dreams, to have access to resources that he’s never had access to, and to become a better version of myself…

He’s never going to read ‘Growth Mindset’ by Carol Dweck or spend tens of thousands of dollars on coaching to help him figure out what his rate limiter is as a person so he can lead others better…and more importantly lead himself better.

But I get to.

I was harsh on myself in the past but I have forgiven myself.

I was also harsh on my dad when he was harsh to me but I have forgiven him.

I expected him to respond to me like he had a bachelors degree in social psychology and demonstrate the kind of emotional IQ that you would get after reading ‘I Know Why The Caged Birds Sing’ by Maya Angelo but…

He’s my dad.

A stubborn old-school Chinese man that always thinks he’s right and feels the world should revolve around him because he has worked his ass off.

He’s not on a relentless quest to become a better version of himself…he’s gotten more stubborn!

But I love him regardless.

Our relationship has gotten complicated, there’s no longer a Father’s Day dinner where my whole family gets together after what happened last year, and well…I’m writing this post to solidify the lessons I’ve learned.

Unconditional love is tough.

I don’t think you can display it for others until you learn to find that for yourself and the only way you can is to forgive yourself.

No one is perfect, we all have flaws.

My dad is a flawed human being.

I am a flawed human being.

At the end of the day…

We’re all trying to figure it out…doing the best we can within our given circumstances.

As long as you keep taking care of mom, don’t physically harm people, and generally care for those around you like you’ve always had…I will love you unconditionally dad.

Even though you’re an asshole.

I don’t need you to do anything for me except be my dad…which you’ve always done.

Happy Father’s Day.